If you're a foreign student then welcome to uni! At the Union we appreciate that everything may seem a little baffling now you've arrived and you may be wanting to know what you're new home is going to be like.

Aware that there will be a lot of people out there who will take advantage of the fact that you're new and a little unfamiliar with your surroundings who may try to ply you with lies and scare stories, we're here to set the record straight from the start!

Firstly, Britain may seem like a nice pleasant place, but we're sorry to say that this is not reality. Danger lurks around every corner.

Research has shown that every individual in Britain is a bigoted maniac waiting to erupt. Just one glance at the Daily Mail can turn an average British person into a ticking time bomb ready to brutally walk past the next foreign person without smiling politely. YOU could be that unlucky foreigner.

That's why we have put together a special foreign student introduction seminar where we'll teach you the important things you need to know that you may not be familiar with where you come from. Topics include: How to buy things, How to walk down the street while avoiding conversation with anyone, How to drink beer correctly, And our very useful guide to tie up your shoelaces.

We'll also tell you about the fantastic range of services offered by the Union. This way you may never need venture into the horrible real world of a British town. Simply stay on campus and spend your money here instead!

For those of you who do need to venture off campus, we advise that you purchase one of our special foreign assistance whistles. Blowing this whistle when threatened or attacked emits a distress signal outside of the racist hearing range but will instantly summon heartfelt concern from the nearest PC think tank.